Grammar, the Royals, and YOU

Since Dayton Moore appears to be finished for the season*, I would like to explore the fascinating community of commenters on the Kansas City Star Royals section. I don't understand where any of these people come from; the commenting community in most of the Royals' online community seems to be made up of intelligent, thoughtful people who understand what stats are and how they work. But reading the comments on Star stories is a far more negative and, um...not very well-researched.

*So much for the massive shake-up Moore promised. I was sort of excited to see what he'd do. What a disappointment, like paying 8 bucks to go to a movie, and then realizing it was Saw V.

I don't even know why I read these comments, ever. It only serves to frustrate me and make me cry a little for humanity. But since I have been reading these oh-so-enlightening comments, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites nuggets of Royals wisdom from this column I think was JoePo's but isn't labeled as such. All [sics] are implied.

1. "...I'm guessing there won't be any "I was wrong." ever put in here after Jacobs gets 600 AB and draws 50-60 walks and a few more hits fall to bring his OBP up to around .338..."
There was about 4x more to this sentence, but I snipped it for you because...if Mike Jacobs gets SIX HUNDRED at-bats, I will quit being a Royals fan. There are simply not that many ABs available against righties, and if anyone has any sense Jacobs won't be seeing more than a dozen ABs against lefties.

Jacobs has never appeared in more than 141 games in a season and never had more than 477 AB. And that's the way it should remain, no?


2. "Oh, I forgot most royal's fans aren't to bright."
One of the best things I've ever read. If you're going to insult a group's collective intelligence, you might want to use the right "too." And don't put a random apostrophe in "Royals."

3. "Who cares! Glass won't spend any money so I'm going to spend my money somewhere else."
OLD. Also irrelevant, because Glass has been spending money. Someone hasn't been paying attention.

4. "Maybe Joe the intent is to trade him somewhere else for what he really wants ...."
I wish. Except that Moore has already said that he's finished for this offseason. But good try. Also, punctuation and nouns to accompany pronouns are good things.

5. "Please remember triple A and the majors are a lot different, let KK develope, look at Gordon & Butler they are realy playing like they did at triple A, right? wrong not even close."
Yeah, man, you actually do have a point. Except the part where Gordon ever played at AAA.

6. "You are right Joe, the Royals should just stand pat, they are doing awesome. Kila will probably be the next great power hitter in the MLB.

Signed,
Craig Braizel"
I give 1 point for cleverness, but deduct about 50 for spelling "Brazell" wrong. Kinda ruins it. Also, I'm pretty sure Joe wasn't suggesting that Moore stand pat this winter, but that signing another 1B/DH who can't on base is asinine.

7. "What do you know? Again, we traded a middle reliever for a guy who hit 32 homeruns last year. I'm glad you are not the GM and Dayton is!!"
Yep, and homeruns [sic] are the only thing that matters!!!1!1!one! Never mind what Jacobs did in his other 445 ABs last year...

8. "I don't know much about Tilman, but the way he seems to manage best is when he has runners on base. Hit and run, pressure on defense."
I have...no words.

9. "Remember that home runs count for OBP too! You win by reaching home plate more times than the other team, not by reaching 1st or 2nd. A TEAM needs to have a good OBP to win, but not every batter on the team needs to have a high OBP..."
How can a team's already-low OBP go up if it signs a player whose OBP is significantly lower than the team average? I guess I'm not cut out to understand this kind of math. Curse my decision to only take three years of math in high school!

OK, I'm done. I have no idea what made me do that. I must really like pain.